Let me be clear about something. There are two fates in my time on earth that I will do my best to avoid. One is cannibalism. The other is owning a minivan. Either would signal that I have arrived at the hopeless end of life’s majesty with nothing left but sorrow and despair.

Pretty heavy. But necessary.

I say this as someone who has genuinely loved Japanese cars since the age of ten. I can still mouth the dialogue of the Nissan 300z commercials from the early 90s word for word. Japan gave us some of the greatest automotive masterpieces ever created. Which is exactly why what I am about to tell you is so deeply troubling.

Tokyo has a minivan problem. And nobody is talking about it.

Pretty heavy.

Japan’s automotive allure has always been an object of my affection and I say that with a very sincere amount of honesty. From the early 90’s when I was about 10 years old I can distinctly remember mouthing out the dialogue of the Nissan 300z commercials and thinking….why on earth don’t we have one of those?

Over time my appreciation for Japanese automobiles grew and conversely so did my loathing for anything of the minivan class. So much so that I started to involuntarily judge people quite harshly that drove such cars. My distain was built more on the platform of complete bewilderment and disgust for those who had decided that this was ok…..this was not ok.

 

I could go on, rant, and probably offend those of you who still brag to your friends about automatic sliding doors, mass cargo space and 3 rows of seats that each have integrated televisions that distract your kids long enough for you to whisk through the streets of your fair town in a self imprisoned white flag on wheels….but I won’t. I’ll get to the point.

There is an infectious mind numbing disorder that has begun to spread through the greater Tokyo area and in its wake, are streets full of oversized vans. Not even mini anymore…these monstrosities are large, impractical, unfashionably “not” Tokyo looking machines that are even brazenly marketed as if they were a Toyota Supra that could bag you a supermodel.

I had a 9 year old girl in class the other day that said she loved cars. This was a surprise and so I asked about her favorite car to which she responded immediately…..the Vellfire. A sharp pain shot up the left side of my neck, simultaneously numbing my right leg. Once I propped myself back in my chair and waited for her obnoxious giggle to subside, I swallowed the small amount of vomit that had arisen from my throat….and moved onto consonant blends to help me forget. Teaching Japanese kids “Th” sounds makes everything else seem less difficult to handle.

Vellfire? you ask…enjoy.

I’m finished. I just want it to stop. Epic cars come from Japan….not vans. Viva the 300z…

sorry soccer mom,
adam

 

Q: What are Japanese cars known for? A: Japan has produced some of the most iconic performance cars in automotive history — the Nissan 300z, Skyline GT-R, Honda NSX and Toyota Supra among them. Japanese engineering and design set global standards for decades.

Q: What is the Toyota Vellfire? A: The Toyota Vellfire is a large luxury minivan extremely popular in Japan and across Asia. It is spacious, premium and — according to at least one English teacher in Tokyo — deeply concerning for the future of Japanese automotive culture.

Q: Are minivans popular in Japan? A: Surprisingly yes — especially larger luxury vans like the Toyota Vellfire and Alphard. They are marketed aggressively and have become status symbols in Japan which feels at odds with the country’s legendary sports car heritage.

Q: What is the best Japanese car of all time? A: We will let Adam answer this one — the Nissan 300z. No further questions.

Q: Where can you see Japanese cars up close in Tokyo? A: The Toyota Mega Web showroom in Odaiba is free to visit and has every latest model on display. Worth a visit even if you are not a car person — the space itself is impressive.